


Novel Ideas

by Kita_the_Spaz



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-08
Updated: 2013-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-07 21:07:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/753087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kita_the_Spaz/pseuds/Kita_the_Spaz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Iruka and his friends get drunk, they get creative about a great many things. Today it was about Iruka's striking resemblance to the First Hokage. Too bad Kakashi got caught up in it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Novel Ideas

**Author's Note:**

> This is sheer silliness inspired by comments on [this LJ post](http://kakairu.livejournal.com/3060231.html).

"No, no, no, no..." Iruka waved expansively, beer sloshing over the edges of his mug. "You've got it alllllll wrong!"

Kakashi looked askance at the far-from-sober man smashed up against his right hip and sighed. He had no idea what the conversation was about, he'd only just managed to escape the blonde kunoichi with giant breasts (and booze breath that could kill a sound-nin at fifty paces) by ducking into the corner occupied by the loudly drunk group of shinobi. His already too-long night was not looking up and if Iruka spilled beer on him one more time he was going to hang the desk chunnin up by his toenails to dry out. "How many beers have you had?" He muttered under his breath, trying to edge a little further away from the crush of bodies in the tiny hole-in-the-wall bar Gai had dragged him to.

"Not enough," Iruka said with a low, throaty chuckle and a sideways glance before resuming his over-loud drunken slur. "Thas' not right neither!"

The group of chunnin and tokubetsu jounin in front of Iruka scowled almost to a man. They were clearly as deep in their cups as Iruka seemed to be, and from their wobbly stances, might not be on their feet much longer.

The one with the spiky black hair (Kakashi couldn't remember his name and wasn't inclined to try) scowled ferociously over the rim of his glass. "Wait, I'm lost. Whish ones have we tried?"

Iruka rolled his shoulders in exaggerated shrug and shoved his beer glass into Kakashi's hands.

Kakashi blinked down at the half-full glass and debated pouring it over Iruka's head.

Ignoring his glare, Iruka began to unsteadily count on his fingers. "One: 'Ko said I'm a First fanboy an' I defiled the monument to make the carving of the First look like me. That is a blatant calumny. That crack was there when I was still a baby, b'fore I even had my scar. I have pictures to prove it. So, _wrong_." He flicked off another finger. "Two: Izumo said I'ma clone of the First created in a lab--"

" _Eeeevil_ lab," interrupted Aoba, snickering.

Iruka glared at him, but continued without missing a beat. "--By Orochimaru or someone just as sick and twisted. Also wrong. I have a birth certificate to prove that."

Anko snorted laughter. "It could be a fake."

Iruka kicked her. "It's not. My mom went into labor during a meeting in the hokage's office. The dent's still in the wall from where my dad ran into it,all panicked an' trying to run for a med-nin."

Anko yelped and tried to back away from a second kick, but there was no room to escape in the packed bar.

Iruka ignored her, ticking off another finger. "Three, more-boobs-than-brains there said I'm related to the Senju clan and have an awesome bloodline limit I'm hiding." He snorted and fixed the wincing kunoichi with another withering glare. "Also wrong. If I'm related to them it's so far back in the family tree Tsunade can't find it, an' believe me, she _looked_. She was the first to notice the resemblance, unsurprisingly." Iruka shook his head. "I have no bloodline limit, either. I have superb chakra control because I have so little to spare an' that's the only thing special about my chakra. Again, wrong."

Kakashi found himself smiling. He too had noticed the resemblance of the man beside him to the images of the long-dead First Hokage, but had paid it no mind. Apparently Iruka's friend were not so inclined when drunk off their asses.

Iruka continued, ticking off another finger. "Aoba here seconded the clone theory, postulating that I'm not really me, just a cloned body for the personality of Hashirama to reside in, an' that the personality of the me we all know is just a fake. While this offers us a glimpse of _just_ how sick and sad he is; I go back to the proof of birth." Iruka planted his hands on his hips and glowered at his drunken friends. "Anyone have anything else to add?"

Kakashi couldn't resist. Smirking behind his mask, he took a step forward. "You're close, but not good enough. You see, Iruka-sensei here is a very, very special kind of clone, one with every single important trait of Hashirama carefully preserved and hidden away. He was created and implanted into the woman he knows as his mother, and the portents of his birth were so terrible and awe-inspiring that the instant he was born, the Hokage Monument cracked." Kakashi lowered his voice conspiratorially and his audience all leaned closer, spellbound. "He was allowed to grow up without interference, because all the controls were planted before he was even born. One day, someone will activate those controls and he'll betray us all and kill those he most loves, becoming a soulless, remorseless monster."

Taking in the slack mouths and widened eyes, Kakashi added, "At least until the one person strong enough to stand up to him battles him to a standstill and forces him to remember who he was and break the controls on him. Then they'll ride off into the sunset... At least, _that's_ how it would happen in Icha Icha."

The entire group burst out laughing, Iruka included.

Anko raised her glass, whooping. "Kakashi wins!" She tossed back her drink and toppled over, knocking down Izumo and Aoba into a drunken heap of flailing limbs and spilled booze.

Snickering, Kakashi glanced at Iruka, who was covering his mouth to stifle laughter, his brown eyes glittering merrily above his scar. "What do I win then?"

Iruka lowered his hands, smiling broadly. "I dunno. Depends on what you can catch." With a smirk and a devilish wink, Iruka took off, darting through the packed bodies with a grace even a sannin would envy.

Laughing, Kakashi took off after him. His night was definitely looking up.


End file.
